At this very moment and time, I am missing the white white sands of Siesta Key beach.... I'm having a moment. I just want to be in my own world for a while. I'm tired of reality. And I dont want to sit here and whine and complain, that is not my intention at all, but let me paint this picture for you:
Reality:
-I have bills to pay that I work hard to pay(and I love my job, so that helps) and I have to come up with 9,000 for school, having extra money to spend is always nice, but rare, I would like a new car, I need to prepare for a wedding that will hopefully be coming in about 2 years, I want to make sure I can be prepared for emergencys, family ones esp. I am just tired of money all together. Its becoming a real problem....
-School....Do i really have to say anymore? Is it bad that everytime i look at it i'm just naseous?? I will be at school everyday this semester... I am terrified. really dont feel to optimistic about it..... bottom line = i'm scared, I do not want to do this.
-I am tired of dealing with people. its amazing how people can be so selfish and so cruel. especially in your own family. its sad when you cant even respond to your own grandchildren who text you 3 and 4 times and message you on fb but you can respond to everyone else. sorry, but for my sisters sake, i do not approve. it would be different if it was me, but you just don t do that to my little brother or sister. its also amazing how people can pitch a big fit and not talk to ANYONE bc you're mad you were mis-informed. fyi, to family who cant act like adults, you're pushing people away, and dont come asking y so and so doesnt want to come around, its your own actions that cause problems. I'm thankful God gave me a caring heart, or else I would never be able to follow His command: Love Everyone..... and thats hard.
-There are things I want to happen that arent. I feel like I'm stuck, but I know its for a reason. What do I want? So much.... I want Jared to finally get hired on full time at a firedepartment. I want him not to be so stressed. I want my family out of this financial rut. I really hate my dad having to work a second job. he's gone all week from 730 to like 11. its awful. I want to see my cousins more, my great grandmother more. I'm tired of them being so far away. I want Ringgold back to normal, I still have moments where I am jsut absolutely haunted by all of this. I want to be doing what I love, not going to school, I want to be teaching my little ones. I want to be planning a wedding, MY wedding. I cried so much at Kenneths wedding bc i was SO happy for him and I SOOOO wanted that and I'm next in line and I want it to happen. I want my personal space, a place to call my home, to finally be Mrs. Warren. I want that more than anyone knows. but I know its not time yet.... and there are days that it kills me. I want to be able to run a mile and not die. I want to start dancing, like actually learning dance. I want to teach music class agian with kids. I LOVED that. I want to not WANT so much!
....I've been told that I worry about others and thier problems too much, that if I want something for myself I need to put that 1st. I'm not good at that. I would rather do for others that put my wants 1st...
So I'm stuck... in reality.... and I am just ready to go back to the white beaches of Siesta Key, to sit on the beach with my toes in the sand and a good book and the sun shining bright. I know it wont make everything go away, but its a nice break for a while. But if I were top be there right now, God would have me there... right now, HE wants me to trust Him and face reality and whatever He decides to throw at me.... and I need help. I need encouragement. I need prayer. I need to deal with reality.....
<3 K
Reality:
-I have bills to pay that I work hard to pay(and I love my job, so that helps) and I have to come up with 9,000 for school, having extra money to spend is always nice, but rare, I would like a new car, I need to prepare for a wedding that will hopefully be coming in about 2 years, I want to make sure I can be prepared for emergencys, family ones esp. I am just tired of money all together. Its becoming a real problem....
-School....Do i really have to say anymore? Is it bad that everytime i look at it i'm just naseous?? I will be at school everyday this semester... I am terrified. really dont feel to optimistic about it..... bottom line = i'm scared, I do not want to do this.
-I am tired of dealing with people. its amazing how people can be so selfish and so cruel. especially in your own family. its sad when you cant even respond to your own grandchildren who text you 3 and 4 times and message you on fb but you can respond to everyone else. sorry, but for my sisters sake, i do not approve. it would be different if it was me, but you just don t do that to my little brother or sister. its also amazing how people can pitch a big fit and not talk to ANYONE bc you're mad you were mis-informed. fyi, to family who cant act like adults, you're pushing people away, and dont come asking y so and so doesnt want to come around, its your own actions that cause problems. I'm thankful God gave me a caring heart, or else I would never be able to follow His command: Love Everyone..... and thats hard.
-There are things I want to happen that arent. I feel like I'm stuck, but I know its for a reason. What do I want? So much.... I want Jared to finally get hired on full time at a firedepartment. I want him not to be so stressed. I want my family out of this financial rut. I really hate my dad having to work a second job. he's gone all week from 730 to like 11. its awful. I want to see my cousins more, my great grandmother more. I'm tired of them being so far away. I want Ringgold back to normal, I still have moments where I am jsut absolutely haunted by all of this. I want to be doing what I love, not going to school, I want to be teaching my little ones. I want to be planning a wedding, MY wedding. I cried so much at Kenneths wedding bc i was SO happy for him and I SOOOO wanted that and I'm next in line and I want it to happen. I want my personal space, a place to call my home, to finally be Mrs. Warren. I want that more than anyone knows. but I know its not time yet.... and there are days that it kills me. I want to be able to run a mile and not die. I want to start dancing, like actually learning dance. I want to teach music class agian with kids. I LOVED that. I want to not WANT so much!
....I've been told that I worry about others and thier problems too much, that if I want something for myself I need to put that 1st. I'm not good at that. I would rather do for others that put my wants 1st...
So I'm stuck... in reality.... and I am just ready to go back to the white beaches of Siesta Key, to sit on the beach with my toes in the sand and a good book and the sun shining bright. I know it wont make everything go away, but its a nice break for a while. But if I were top be there right now, God would have me there... right now, HE wants me to trust Him and face reality and whatever He decides to throw at me.... and I need help. I need encouragement. I need prayer. I need to deal with reality.....
<3 K
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